Tuesday, December 19, 2017

SHINEE Kim Jonghyun's Death | A Shawol hurting...

Yesterday I told myself I was going to be busy and productive today. So I went out, did some errands and went home. When I got home, my Mom told me a very shocking news! She went "Who is that Shinee member... The one that died today... Sung.. Hyun..?" Of course, we have to understand that she is not really into K-pop so she won't remember all the names. Then, I went ahead and said all the members names. And she said "Yes, that! Jong Hyun died today."

I was confused so I searched on the internet. I thought she was just mistaken. I thought it was fake news. And then I saw all the articles on the internet. 
SHINEE Kim Jong Hyun died around 6 PM today at the age of 27I SCREAMED. WHY?! Why would he die? How? Why? Why did he do it? What happened? What made him do it? Why?! A lot of questions...

Hence today, I couldn't be productive. I can't focus. I can't function well. I can't be me. 

If I am feeling this sad over the news, I can not imagine how painful it must be for his family, his friends and for the people that knew him personally. I only knew him through his songs, his performances and through his TV shows yet I am greatly saddened. On top of that, I really couldn't imagine how tough it must have been for him to try to smile, be okay and perform in front of people though he was shattered inside. 

SHINEE was the second K-pop group I got obsessed with back in 2009. ( First was U-KISS, then SHINEE, then SUJU, then INFINITE then EXO.) Corny as it sounds but the group also helped me get to where I am now. I remember the days I couldn't show my face on my YouTube channel so I just did a lot of SHINEE inspired nail art videos. 

Here are some of them :

Making these videos somehow helped me gain further confidence to pursue my YouTube career. Their music was also my healing and source of joy back then. I listened to a lot of their songs, memorized the lyrics, stayed up late to watch their variety shows, watched tutorials of their dance routines, influenced some of my friends to watch SHINEE music videos, talked to my Korean students about SHINEE. And back then when not a lot of K-pop groups visited the Philippines, I photoshopped myself in a SHINEE concert photo. I did that so to inspire myself to save money and to believe that I will someday see them in person. What's sad is that, after I photoshopped that photo, I was able to watch a lot of K-pop concerts with VIP tickets that let me sit right in front...but I never once saw a SHINEE concert. 

I saw this video this morning on Facebook. I do not, in any way, mean to disrespect Jong Hyun or the other SHINEE members... But I just want to share with you guys the video. It's disturbing to see how much he cried and hugged the other members on stage. Like he was craving for help... Like he was saying goodbye.

DEATH always has a great impact on me. I can remember I have also written a couple of times here about how I feel about death. DEATH is inevitable. It's something we can't alter, change or run away from... But making your own death is another thing.

I do not condemn Jong Hyun for doing what he did. It's really difficult to take a side when depression comes in. Like what I have said on my Instagram post, DEPRESSION IS REAL. It doesn't matter whether you are good looking, talented, rich or famous. When depression hits, it hits. And often times, it hits hard. 

I have to be honest and say that I also feel it sometimes. That feeling of wanting to give up... Hence, my random posts about wanting to quit YouTube and stuff... We really can not explain why we feel what we feel. People can go on and say "You are so blessed, you have this and you have that..." But people who haven't been there will most likely not understand.

It's not like I will take my own life, though. I think it helps so much that you have GOD in your life. (If you are not Christian and you are reading this, let's just say God is your family/your friends/your pet/your hobby... something that makes you want to hold on.) But let me speak in a Christian's point of view. I honestly believe having God in your life helps you not to quit and to just hold on. That no matter how immense the emotion is or how great the problem is, God's love for sure is GREATER than anything else.

If  you are reading this and you are going though something at the moment, please know that ending your life is not the way out. Someday, somehow, things will get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day for sure. Also know that there are people around you willing to be there for you. I guess the thing about depressed people is that they feel they are alone. They feel the darkness, they feel the loneliness, no matter if there are people around. But if you are going through rough time, never feel burdened that you have to talk to people about it. Cry if you must. I am sure someone is out there for you. You are important, you are loved. You are worth the love and you have a purpose in this world. You may not see it now, BUT YOU SURELY HAVE. Someday, when you get better, you will discover that that purpose it and you will be glad you made it through the dark days.

I am just so sad right now. I can't believe someone as talented as Jong Hyun felt that he still wasn't enough and that he wasn't doing things right. I don't know how to end this post. My heart aches as I'm typing each word. 

But, thank you for reading!

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